When you're attracted to someone, they're always on your mind and you want to see them as often as possible. For me, actions matter far more than words.Īttractions are very motivating. "if you really made any kind of impression wouldn't they want to make time?" Readers will continue to read because they like YOU. I imagine that there are readers out there who roll their eyes at mention of him." "I get self-conscious when I bring up the ex in my blog. And if one, two, five or ten years after the break up I'm still thinking about him, then what else can I do besides mention it in my writing? I can't be fully true to myself by leaving it out. Get over him already! But once again, honesty is my policy. I imagine that there are readers out there who roll their eyes at mention of him. I admit, I get self-conscious when I bring up the ex in my blog. I don't want to make myself believe that all of that was a delusion, that it was just due to naivety. Because I remember how happy I was, how much fun I had, and how optimistic I was becoming. Trying to deny it, trying to tell myself Nah, he wasn't THAT great just doesn't work. I have to accept that yes, in many ways that relationship was exceptional, especially for me. I have to accept that yes, I do miss him and that's okay. Honesty is my number one policy, and that includes honesty with myself. Why can't I MAKE myself believe that it will get better, that I'll find someone new, someone better, someone healthier? One thing I've never been good at is deluding myself. I swear, there's people who lose 10 year relationships that probably get over it quicker than I have. Being past the year and a half point, it's harder and harder to justify why I feel this way still, for someone that I only dated for 2/3 of a year and haven't seen since. That's one thing that improv has given me, a way to keep my mind occupied, to challenge myself and fight the thoughts and the missing him. Sure, other things cover it up but when there's nothing else those thoughts are able to rise. Thoughts of the ex, Ben, seem to always float in my consciousness. "I got to stay high all the time just to keep you off my mind." I totally understand why people turn to substances to distract themselves. Though I'm not a pot smoker myself and have never even tried it, the lyrics of the song sort of strike a chord with me. Let's just say I understand the sentiment of that song that's on the radio now, "Habits" by Tove Lo. I think if anything my blogging has exemplified the "curse" aspects. So, I don't really think it's going anywhere. In person I enjoy his company, but he sort of comes across as low energy. We've kissed and fooled around, but he doesn't initiate communication very much. Whenever I propose to hang out he has zero ideas about what to do and I have to plan everything. Because if you really made any kind of impression wouldn't they want to make time? I don't know, what do you think? He seemed really interested when we met up in WeHo and I thought our lunch date was nice, but maybe I just failed to ignite a spark again.Īs for Beach Guy, we've hung out four times so far. Our texting has dropped off, and I figure if someone says something like that it suggests they're not really that interested in seeing you more. But then through subsequent texting he mentioned how he thought he might be too busy to hang out again for at least several weeks (he lives more than an hour away). And he suggested he'd like to see me perform some time. We walked down to the ocean and talked for a while. I went out with Tinder Guy and had a very nice lunch a few weekends ago. I haven't been all that inspired lately to update about recent goings-on.
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